A friend of mine has recently resigned from their place of part-time employment, where they were working as a bouncer. With their permission, I've put a copy of their resignation letter in here, because it's just so darn funny!
There comes a time in every man's life where the animalistic urges subside to the desires to lead a more tranquil, harmonious life. A time when the adrenaline of fighting or the lure of random young pussy no longer holds centre place in one's life. After many years of working waist deep in society's scum, I feel it is time to retire to greener pastures.
Upon reflection, my experiences on the door will provide me with many, let's say, interesting memories that will make me laugh and worry. The years I have spent as an 'Attitude Adjustment Coordinator' have provided me with many different lessons, not to mention lesions. Lessons on how to deal with people, and lessons on how to deal to people. If the former fails then may the latter prevail.
It is with mixed emotion and a guilty conscience that I resign as Head of Security. It has been a position that I have taken seriously at times but also in jest. I find the physical toll of working both day and night to be too strenuous for my aging body as well as the desire to pursue advancement in my career overseas to be overwhelming factors in my decision. Admittedly, the desire to keep my teeth and boyish good looks, avoid the possibility of gaining a criminal conviction and recent engagement have contributed to this decision. Removing the urges to 'fuck and fight' have left me a withered shell of a man. Moreover, the job has provided me with great responsibility as well as opportunities, many of which I have exploited. I have enjoyed my time working security for [censored] and will always be thankful for the genuinely wonderful people that I have worked for and with. As for the others, may I come across them one night in a dark alley to dispense long-awaited justice.
I hope that I have had a positive influence and will be remembered favourably by those I have worked with, although I understand that in reality, this is unlikely. Furthermore, I hope that I am remembered for my tolerance, patience and love for all humanity as well as my ability to reason and walk away from conflict thus being the bigger man, although I realise that is an outright impossibility.
It is on that note that I ask that you please accept my resignation as I cannot be a part of an organisation that would see fit to have me as a leader.
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