One of the biggest issues many men have is their girlfriend or partner having friendships with other men. Why is this? It’s because men know what other men are like.
Most men think with their small head rather than their big head, and their sex drive influences their relationships. (Read my article on platonic relationships for more information on this.) If a man finds a woman sexually attractive, he will often do what he can to see how far he can go. He’ll flirt and put on his best behaviour. He’ll be an ‘extra special friend’ to the woman he’s attracted to, just in case she might be attracted to him as a result of his efforts.
In base terms – and from the man’s perspective – there’s always a mating ritual going on, even if the subject of the ritual is someone else’s mate.
If you’ve read the platnoic relationships article you’ll understand the conditions where platonic relationships can safely occur. So what are the conditions for where platonic relationships might actually lead to something else?
- Her male friend is single.
- Her male friend is not single.
- Her male friend has not had a sexual relationship with her before.
- Her male friend is not gay.
Under any of those conditions most men are likely to have concerns about the motives behind the ‘other man’ wanting to be friends with her. He knows that to those other men, she is a challenge for them, a target of their sexual desires. This is the crux of the issue concerning jealousy about a woman having friendships with other men while she’s in a relationship.
So how does a guy get around that?
For a start, he needs to know he doesn’t have the right to dictate to her who she can or can’t see. That’s completely and absolutely wrong, and will only end up completely and absolutely destroying the relationship. Do you really think a woman is going to love and respect you when you treat her like a slave?
Freedom is of utmost importance. Jealousy is based on insecurity, and insecurity leads to attempts to create security through control. If you’re trying to defeat your jealousy by controlling her, your relationship is headed for disaster.
Men who are insecure and jealous need to understand a very basic fact. Attempting to control her relationships with others only creates resentment in her towards you. This will lead to her leaving you.
Often for another man.
Being afraid of this happening often makes it happen.
In order to ensure your partner stays with you, you have to be willing to let her go.
Yes, it’s a paradox. How can you let someone go that you want to stay with you?
By understanding that you’re not in control, and that she has the right to leave you any time she chooses. Just like you have the right to leave her.
It all depends on how satisfying the relationship is that she’s having with you. If you are giving her everything she needs and wants, then she’s not going to look elsewhere for them. If you are denying her anything she needs or wants, she’s going to look for it somewhere else.
Freedom is the absolute foundation of what you must give her.
If you give her the freedom to have friendships with other men, and you satisfy her in all the other ways that are important to her, then she’s not going to want to test any boundaries. Why test the boundaries, when the boundaries don’t exist?
Remember what I wrote above: she has the right to leave you any time she chooses.
This is important, because it helps you understand that she can leave you at any time. Stopping her from being friends with other men is only going to make her want to leave sooner. And stopping her from being friends with other men only makes it obvious to her that you are jealous, insecure, weak, and a control freak. Do you want her to think that about you?
Those are your issues, not hers. And if you don’t get rid of them, she’ll get rid of you.
You need to understand that you will keep her longer if you are the best that you can be. Don’t be the worst you can be, be the best.
Treat her with respect, love and understanding, and expect the same thing in return. Treat her as you want to be treated by her, and make sure she understands this, so she knows what your own expectations about the relationship are.
You need to communicate with her your thoughts. Communicate the freedom you’re giving her. Get her to talk with you about anything. Don’t make her afraid or cautious to discuss things with you. Let her understand that you understand you can’t be everything for her, and that if there’s anything that she feels is lacking in the relationship, to talk about it with you.
This helps you see where you can improve your attitudes towards her and the relationship. If she feels the desire to be friends with other men, let her. Don’t even ask about them, just let her share her life and friends with you as she sees fit. Be appreciative that there are people in her life that are helping give her happiness. You can’t be everything to her, so stop trying.
You have to trust her. You have to trust that she’s not going to screw up a good thing by playing around with other men behind your back. You have to trust that she’s going to treat you as you want to be treated, and you have to show that by treating her the same way.
Give her the freedom to live the life that she wants to live, to share with you what she wants to share, and to have the friends – of any gender – that she wants to have.
If there are any guys in her life acting like ‘predators’, she’s only going to reject them if she has your trust, understanding and your acceptance. Any guy who tells her they’re better than you, that she should be with them instead of you, are only going to be told where to go! How can they be better than you when they’re trying to screw you over, and you’re giving her trust and freedom? She’ll make the right choice.
And if she doesn’t, then that’s also her choice, even if you think it’s the wrong one.
Giving her freedom is about letting her do what she feels she needs to do, even if it’s to leave you. And if you’ve understood that she has the right to leave you any time she chooses, you’ll let her go.
Sure, you’ll be heartbroken, but you can’t be any better than the best that you can be. And if that’s not enough, then she’s not the right one for you. Look for the woman who will love, respect and appreciate the freedom and trust you give her.
You can’t do any better than that.
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