What an interesting chat I had tonight with someone on ICQ. Someone I used to know from high school. I've been chatting to them on and off for a few months now, but only tonight was it meaningful in relation to my past. I found out that two women I used to be in love with back then are both unhappily married today. It's times like these that I wish I had the opportunities of the past all over again. Would things be different now if I was who I used to be, but with the wisdom of who I am now? Of course they would.
Cheryl Anne and Cindy. Cheryl Anne was the first for me to fall in love with, in Year 8. I was 13. Every time the subject of me liking her came up, I fought tooth and nail to get people to believe I didn't. Except for my closest friends, of course. Looking back on it now, I can't understand the reasoning I had. I was just so bloody stupid… Cheryl Anne was the subject of my dreams for 5 years, with me doing nothing for that whole period of time. Once, one of my friends pretended that I'd written a love letter to her, and gave it to her… when she got some of her friends to drag me up in front of her, I denied it. What else could I do when there was an audience of 10 of her friends around her? Stupid.
Then in Year 11 I discovered Cindy. Her and I became friends, of a sort. We were in the same classes and spoke more than Cheryl Anne and I ever had. Once, we were sitting in a courtyard at school having lunch. I was sitting on a seat at this table, and she was sitting on the table itself, talking to me. Then there was a moment of silence as we were looking into each other's eyes. She then said, "You have nice blue eyes." I said, "Thanks. So do you," (because she did). But that's all I said, and then there was more silence and she changed the subject. Stupid.
I never told either of them how I felt, but they both learnt from other people. I was just too scared of god-knows-what to do anything about it. After high school finished, I didn't see Cherylanne, but I often saw Cindy where she worked. However, 4 months after school finished, I moved away with my family. I never saw Cindy again.
I saw Cherylanne in 1991 when I went to Pt Augusta with a film crew to do a documentary on the jail up there. I remembered her from high school as this beautiful, sweet and innocent young woman. When I saw her in '91, she had changed. Her eyes were cold, and she had lines of stress at her eyes. We spoke briefly and I learnt that she'd gotten married and had a number of children. I was sad then.
Tonight I'm sad again. These women were the first loves I had in my life, and to hear that they are both unhappily married, makes me wish I had been more forward 15+ years ago.
I want to get their phone numbers and phone them to say hello. But what would I say? Would they remember me? Would they want to remember me? So many questions… If you have any comments or suggestions of your own, I'd love to hear them. Email me.
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