My mind is whirling with so many thoughts. I’m spending a lot of time contemplating the things that I’ve become aware of. I’m thinking so much, there’s no time for writing.
My recent post a couple weeks ago, I need to feel special, is what’s been keeping me thinking.
You see, I realised that I do a lot of things in my life for the feeling of being special, and I think that includes writing. So what I’m in the process of working out is what kind of writing I want to do for me, instead of for how it might make others feel about me.
I have no doubt that my blogging will continue, but I’m not entirely sure about the theme. Over the years I’ve tried to work with a theme of helping others, but has that been because it gets me attention, or because I actually want to help others?
It’s something I have to work out for myself. I have to explore my feelings and motivations around this, because I have absolutely no interest (when I’m aware of it) in doing things for egotistical reasons, so I need to work out if my desire to be special is an attitude of egotism.
I asked a friend this past weekend if they thought I bragged a lot about my achievements. They told me I do brag occasionally, but it wasn’t excessive. Well, that’s good, I guess.
So the truth of the matter is that I’m withdrawing from a number of things that I’m doing, while I analyse everything to work out if I’m doing them to solely feel special, or if feeling special has no part in it.
I want to do things because I love doing them – not for how others might feel about me, resulting in me feeling special, but for the enjoyment I get from the activity. And that’s why I need to analyse all my activities so that I can understand the relationship I have with them.
It’s ok to do things I love doing, AND feel special from the attention I get from it. But it’s NOT ok to do something I DON’T love doing, just because of the attention I get from it.
And that’s the crux of my self-analysis. If I love doing it, I’ll keep doing it, while being aware of egotism and doing what I can to avoid it. If I don’t love doing it, then it’s time to stop it.
So for a period of time, I’m withdrawing from my regular blogging while I look into everything I do. However, I’ll still write when I feel I have something to write about.
As I said above, I have no doubt that I’ll continue blogging, because writing is something I can’t stop doing. Even if I have no audience, I’ll still write. I love it too much, and that’s why I know that writing is not something I’m doing just to feel special. But while I’m thinking about everything else in my life, there’s going to be less writing.
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